He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
