My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
