Yo dont text me then not text me
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
