I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
