remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
