Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
