Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
