They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
