All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
