Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
