Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
