Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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