I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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