Umm I'm too high to move.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
