My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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