I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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