I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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