I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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