Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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