You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
if only i could text you this smell
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
i think i just lost a toe
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
