I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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