I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
