i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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