So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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