Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
