Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
