Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Randomize
