How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
