I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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