***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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