woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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