I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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