i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
