decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
