I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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