she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
