Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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