You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
