Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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