I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
