So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
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