There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
