Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
