Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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