Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
