i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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