turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I fill condoms, not promises.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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