i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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