guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
