i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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