I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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