it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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