I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
